Not in the Clique

I feel as though I've abandonned a friend. Someone who's stuck by me throughout the years. And for who? My fiance.
I've only realised how much she needs me. Just how much she relies on me for company. It used to be that I'd sit next to her and talk to her all the time. Given that she's the only non-Asian and partially deaf, it was hard enough for her to communicate with others, let alone listen to other people's conversations while everyone just chats away in Chinese.
But since my fiance has come along, I feel I've put her aside. I'd chat to him to make him not feel left out, and by doing so I've left her out. My brain tells me to talk to her more because logically, my fiance isn't deaf. He can understand and speak Chinese. He can talk to someone else. He just chooses to talk to me. But my deaf friend can't talk to someone else. Even a normal conversation in plain English is too fast for her to fully comprehend.
It all boils down to guilt. I've knocked her out of the clique. What kind of friend am I?

H. pylorinator: stomach bug back with a vengeance

Yep keeling over once again. Stomach bug: 4, Me: 3. That's my score for this week as to how many days I've been stomach ache free. It seems like I'm losing big time on home turf.
Tonight has been the worst for this week. It's strange that the gastroscopy didn't find anything. Stupid technology. At least invent something that at least can identify what I have.
When I came home, I said "I have a stomach ache." My mum goes, "See.....that's what happens when you don't have anything to eat for a long time." I go, "But I had trail mix all night at work." Her answer then changed to, "Nuts are hard to digest. No wonder you have a stomach ache." I never get her logic.

On My Lonesome

My fiance has packed his bags and left me ... for a week that is. He's off impressing his boss' bosses in the US, while I'm stuck here like a nanna complaining of the wintery weather and how very very cold it is.
I wonder if it's the weather, or a combination of everything, because I'm just feeling down. Tripping over a box and slamming myself into a wall at work didn't help matters either. Briefly this morning, I was feeling so physicaly tired that for a second I thought I had swine flu (quite a possibility since the man I spoke to at work mentioned ever so casually that he may have swine flu after 10 minutes of standing next to the guy. Sigh!). Just didn't want to go to work. I just wanted to stay curled up under all those layers of bedsheets and wish that summer would come. And after my mum convinced me to get up (obviously my half-dead look wasn't convincing enough to get myself a day off work in her books), my parents complained that it was my night shifts for the past three years that have stuffed me up. Yep apparently I haven't been right since three years ago. And to top it all off my fiance calls and says that he's been overindulging in cigarettes and food, as if I'm not already scared that he may drop dead one day because of a heart attack or lung cancer. Stupid, stupid man with no self-control.


Nooooooooooooooooo! For a split second I had a vision of myself becoming like my mum. Nagaholic. It's a good thing I'm the nagger and not the nagee. My fiance has so much to look forward to.

I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am

I have spent the past half hour writing this post, only to be stuck in a cycle of deleting it, and rewriting it time and time again, because it just doesn't reflect how I feel. The problem lies though in the sense of "How do I feel?". It seems like such a stupid question. How could one not know how they feel? My fiance once told me that I'm like a robot. That I don't feel. Of course he did apologise for that comment otherwise I'd be giving him few up-close examinations of my engagement ring if you get what I mean (wink wink). Somehow, as sad as it may sound, I think he has a point.
I've been lying awake in bed, staring for hours on end at the ceiling for the past few nights and I don't know why. I've blamed coffee, indigestion, asthma triggered by the cat, but the truth of it all is that I'm just unhappy. Ok, perhaps I do have feelings. The problem is that I just don't understand why.
I used to get a similar feeling on those boring Sunday afternoons at home, when there was nothing to do and yet even if there was, you just didn't feel like even lifting a finger. The feeling of wanting to change the whole world, add meaning to a mundane life but still find yourself stuck in a office chair typing how bored you are to some contact on msn.
Perhaps I'm just stuck in a rut. Feels like a pretty deep rut though. Just want to leave this behind.

Is the glass half full? Or half empty?

Personally if a glass is filled halfway and placed in front of me, I would label it as being half full. But others may think otherwise.
My fiance and I have the tendency to come to totally different conclusions from a single situation. We may look and hear the same things, but it just doesn't mean the same thing somehow. We frustrate each other constantly by not being able to understand each other's conclusion ( ok, let's just say I believe I frustrate him a lot more than he does me), but either way it's not a happy experience for either party.
It's a real worry. Not just in the sense that I don't understand him, but worrying in the sense that I'm placing so much effort in trying to understand him, but still come up interpreting his feelings incorrectly. He even has to give me very significant clues to what he's thinking ( at least I can tell they're significant), BUT, I still get it wrong. It's like being a contestant at a quiz show and getting, "BZZZZZZZ. Sorry that's incorrect" all the time. It's just plain annoying. It would be a lot easier if I could just steal all the gamecards with all the answers, but then I guess that beats having a quiz show. And I guess that beats the "fun" out of a meaningful relationship. You do realise that I would still steal all the answers if I could. It beats being a dumbass any day.