Walking away

Today, I thought to myself, "I've had enough. Enough of people constantly hounding me. Enough of complying with what others want of me." So after I realised that I slept in until 1pm I thought to myself, that I would do something different. I went to a Sunday market. Did some shopping. Then my fiance called and asked me where I was. Shocked by my response he said he was going to drive out and join me, so that I "won't be lonely". After a full on week at work, organising wedding stuff, rushing here and there; the last person I wanted to see was him, or anyone else for that matter.
Oh well, at least I had an hour or two to myself.

"Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there"

Lyrics to Runaway Train

At least there's someone out there who understands how I feel.

Can't sleep

It's 3am and I've been listening to songs and analysing the lyrics to "So you can cry" by Ne-yo and "Don't Love You No More" by Craig David, as if that's going to help me sleep. I love those songs but I guess they are quite depressing in their own right and unfortunately that doesn't help with my mood.
Have you ever as a kid gone, "I'm gonna run away and I'm never coming back!" But in the end, you end up camping in your room or hiding somewhere in the house and just change your mind and reappear by morning? I was thinking to myself that I'd like to do that. Just pack my bags and leave for somewhere away from family, friends and workmates. Disappear off the radar for a while. It's a crazy thought but it would be nice. I haven't had some ME time in a while (disregarding the night that me and my fiance had a fight because I wasn't in a warm comfy place).
I think I've been rushing around between people too much lately that I guess I've neglected myself. I gotta take a siesta.

I've always been the passer-by,
The source of snide remarks,
The source of jealous pride.

It was never me,
Who led a tumultuous life.
A victim of scorn,
Of ridicule and acid-tongued fire.

But today the gun has turned on me.
And in a spark of epiphany, I came to hate
The self I have always seen.
The self who never learnt to appreciate.

I must salvage what's left of broken ties,
Repent my sins
Take back the lies.

Live to love,
With a love to live.
Care for the caring
And have patience to give.

Criticise less,
Revise my whole role.
Value who are dear,
With my heart and my soul.

From Feeling Bad to a Hell of a lot Worse

How does one change their character? Is it like upgrading to a new car? Or perhaps is it just built in and flows in your blood? Either way, my fiance almost left me because of my character. He says I argue too much, that I put him down. He understands that it's my character, but he can't put up with it anymore. He loves me, but he wants me to change.
When I break it down to why I argue with him, it's because I think my idea works or that I'm right. I think he's a bit slow on the pickup sometimes as well so I repeat myself. When you look at the situation from all angles, it doesn't seem as though I think very highly of him. However, his caring nature is what makes me love him.
I try to accomodate him, try not to say bad things about him ( yes I've already put on the restraints on my mouth already. He should really see me without them) and try to emotionally support him.
But I'm just not that kind of person. I'm pretty cold. When my fiance flinches and goes "Ouch!" at the slightest scratch of my cat, my brain is thinking, "Geez, just deal with it wuss!" But nevertheless, to be nice I go " Are you ok dear?" and look concerned. When I climb up on a chair, he gives me a worried look and goes, "Be careful, let me do that", all the while I'm thinking to myself "Do I look like an invalid to you?" I know he means well and so I feel obliged to treat him better, but it's just not me to be so caring sometimes and sometimes I just can't sit back and take his fuddy-duddyness.
Sometimes I feel a lot happier without him than with him, which makes me think whether this relationship is going to last. I'm not sure whether I can change who I am, and even if I could, would I be happy?

Critical Thinker

Tonight my fiance told me that I'm very critical of others and that I don't think anyone is perfect. Soooooooooo true. If you put me with a person for 2 hours, I'm bound to come up with a fault they have (in certain cases, on first sight is good enough). I guess that's what makes me a Virgo. I expect perfection from myself and others and it really irks me when people repeat bad habits constantly.
No one can escape my criticism. My sister, for example, has bad skin, is materialistic, illogical in heated argument, but on the other hand she's a style queen. My fiance is an irrational, impatient, lazy worry wart, but on the up side is very caring and sensitive (only to me that is). My dad is an arrogant, insensitive know-it-all, but he's hardworking and takes good care of the family (but sometimes on a more practical handyman-like note, he really does know it all). My mum just nags, and if you don't get the point, she'll nag till you do. However, she keeps the house clean and it's a tough job so I admire that. Plus, she does all of those things for us just cos she cares. At the end of the day, I guess that's how people are. No one's perfect. Me included. I don't love them any less. That's just who they are.
It's a shame I don't feel the same way about myself. "I can be better". "I can work harder". I think it's what makes me strive though, but it also makes me look down on those, who don't bother to try at all.
Some people have a passion for whales. I just hate people who don't try to better themselves with a passion. Nothing wrong with that.