Waiting to get married

The other night my fiance once again burdened me with the question of why I didn't want to get married straightaway. A straight answer of "Cos I just don't want to" obviously didn't cut it, so after deep contemplation and soul searching I sent him this message:

"Tonight you asked me why you're waiting. I know you. In your mind it makes no sense to you to keep two people that love each other apart. You feel distrust and feel as though you're being tested by my family. That's my guess.

But it's not just my family that wants to take things slow. I do too. Why if I love you? I asked myself that so many times and while I was lying in bed tossing and turning, trying to think how I could put you through this. Last night it was "Do I love my fiance?". Tonight, it was "How could I do this to my fiance and why?".
You were right about me using my family as an excuse for my actions. I did that on a few previous occasions. Why? Because I knew that we share a lot of the same beliefs and values and it was an easy way out.
But for the registration and the wedding, I've pushed the blame on you cos it was just easy to do. Everyone suggested the same thing and
I guess it was an easy way out. I made myself believe that perhaps they were right. I'm sorry.
As to why I keep doing this to you and why this wedding and registration scares me even though I love you? Because I can't change as fast as you. You say that my parents have problems letting me go, but has it occurred to you that I'm reluctant to let my family go too. I couldn't let go of my current life in the span of a month. This is my home we're talking about. I've lived with these people since I was born. Selfish I know. It also scares me when you start saying things about my parents because I don't want you to take away my security blanket by alienating me from my family. Maybe that's also why I want you to get to know my family better so that I can keep everyone I love close to me. And deep down, the thing about me is that I always want everyone to be happy together. As you've told me, you can't keep everyone happy, but I still try anyway cos it makes me happy when I see others happy.
I know I can live independently. I have the skills to do it. I just can't handle the thought of leaving everyone behind. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal moving around the corner or 10km away somewhere, but it's a big deal to me. I'm out of my comfort zone. And I know I've hurt you numerous times because of it.
You said that you can't read me fully, and sometimes I just don't analyse the actions I do. I just do. I know it's no excuse. I just want you to know me better. I hope that one day you can read me. That I can break down everything my mind thinks and tell you what I'm thinking, cos sometimes not even i know what I'm thinking.
I know you'll be angry, but I'm willing to live with whatever you choose or not choose to say to me. Either way, I do love you. Please never forget that."

I meant every word. I hope he always remembers that.

What does my fiance mean to me?

I was pondering this question after a big fight once again about our marriage registration. Perhaps I'm just not ready for commitment. He asked me why I turned him down again for the second time out of the blue, and honestly I just don't know why. He mentioned that it was my parents' wishes and that I just followed or that maybe my parents were just an excuse for me to say no again. The thing is that I don't know what's holding me back.
So when I got home, I sat at the edge of my bed and stared at the photos I had of him sitting on the top of my drawers and thought about how much does he mean to me? I sat there for about half an hour searching my heart trying to find an answer but in the end all I ended up with were more questions. Is what I feel for him love? He can make me laugh, make me change a lot of my ways, frustrate me, make me cry, make me feel as though I can't live without him, but is this love? Or as he said, maybe I'm just a very lonely person, trying to hold onto anyone. I don't know what to think anymore, but it's giving me a stomach ache. That's probably the only certain thing that's popped up today. It's sad. What kind of person doesn't know how they feel?

Maybe it's time to settle down

Looking at what was written in the last blog, I guess my fiance decided to stick around after all. ( for which I am really thankful for mind you).
I think I've mellowed out these past few weeks. I've totally lost that fire I once had. That never say die attitude which has somehow disappeared with the change in Melbourne weather. I guess perhaps it's true when people say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. For a second, my fiance was going to return home permanently from overseas but now with his service contract renewed in NZ, he may need to stay on for another month or so. With the economic crisis in full swing, I guess I'm happy that he still has a job, and I'll support him regardless of how things turn out with his career. On the other hand, one can't help to be slightly selfish and want him back home to the point where conking him over the head with a club and dragging him back to my cave like a neanderthal female becomes a highly appealing idea (damn those neanderthals were smart).
On the good side, he is coming back next week. On the down side, his family has flown over. Pressure. Oh so much pressure. "Would you like some more tea, future mother-in-law dearest?"