Honey I'm Home

I'm already at home so no it's not me. However, my man is coming back. It's been 4 months I think. Ok, I did go to visit him last month but still, it doesn't beat the excitement of him coming back home. We've already talked about organising our wedding when he gets back, and looking for a house. It really is starting to feel like we're married, and that's not a bad thing. Ooooooohhh....honeymoon. I can't wait to organise that either. Romantic getaway here we come.


I wonder what married life is really like? A lot of married couples I see, don't really make a huge song and dance about it. Where's the LURV?????? The fire?????? Please don't let it go out the window once we're married. Not that I want us to be all over each other at the age of 80, but at least I want to be one of those couples that still hold hands when they go out for walks together. I also hope that one day, the ads that claim that they can help spice up your sex life, still won't appeal to me (Heeheeheehee...if things keep going on the way they are, I definitely won't need it). And thirdly, my future husband better not end up being a couch potato and lie there on the sofa, only to let out a huge fart before asking me to pass his can of beer to him (ARGH!!!!!!! What a thought! Worst nightmare). Other than that, I'm sure married life is good. Otherwise, why would so many people get married? I hear it leads to a longer lifespan. I guess that's a bonus. If that's the case I'm sure we'll be holding hands till we're 100. Not bad I say. Not bad at all.

I think someone's getting cold feet

It's just a hunch I have, but now that I've got my fiance involved in all of the planning of the wedding, he doesn't seem as excited as he once was. He's handballed me all the wedding stuff by saying something along the lines of "I don't really care" but at the beginning he said he wanted to get involved. I think he's in over his head on this one. I don't think he really expected so much to go into a wedding. It is overwhelming I must admit, but you have to do something. It seems that he just expects me to do all the research and planning, while he just sits there and decides on what he wants and what he doesn't want.
A few days ago he told me that it was boring at work and there was nothing to do. He had internet yet did he do any wedding research? Nope. Especially after I gave him a huge verbal nudge to be more proactive about this, what I got was the "I've used up my allocated internet usage, can't do anything" excuse. What does that have to do with the internet at work?
I guess I'm turning into a bridezilla, but jeez it's just so hard to organise this on my own. Is it such a deal that I want my fiance to get off his arse and do something?
So frustrating.

I won't forget

"All I want is to spend out lives together, healthy and happily, and have our own family... I am sorry for causing you all this pain. I am sorry for not trusting you. Please forgive me."
This is what my fiance told me today. He told me he will stick to his words and make it happen. I told him I'll never forget these words of his. I truly hope that it will all come true, because deep down, that's all I want too.

Eye of the storm

All is calm now. Anger's gone temporarily, but I know I'm gonna lose it should he call again.
There are so many fish in the sea and yet my fiance has to be the demented fish ... yes the pufferfish with a 3 second memory that blows up everytime you annoy it. Unfortunately it's a regular occurence due to the 3 second memory span.
But why should I stick to the pufferfish? I could have a clown fish that can make me laugh all the time, or perhaps a salmon who, although slightly daft, is happy to go with the flow (well...against the flow, but at least in the same direction as the other salmon). A carefree goldfish could do too. However, I had to go and choose a pufferfish. I try to get close, but I get hurt every single time. I guess I must be the dumbest fish of all. The only one with the 2 second memory who keeps repeating the same mistake time and time again.
I'm tired of being the dumb fish. I really have to get out of this mess. Pre-marriage counselling? Just leave? Be more assertive? Keep my distance? This is hurting my less than pea-sized brain. Better sleep.

What is the right answer?

So here's the situation. My fiance asks me my feelings on moving to Sydney in the future, should he change jobs and have to take one up there. My answer was "I'll move with you. I can't live away from my husband". One would think that an answer like that is worth two thumbs up. In the case of my fiance he goes "You say things all the time and we end up never doing them. The only thing we've planned successfully are our weekends away". He then goes on to say how he doesn't trust me to go through with what I've said.
I have a problem with this:

1. He doesn't even have a job in Sydney yet. Not even in the stage of applying for one.
2. He said he didn't trust me. Yep, just like that.
   
3. There wasn't even a possibility to answer that question correctly. "Yes I'll move" = No you're just saying that. I don't trust you....OR....."No, I'm not gonna budge for you" = How could you not be supportive of me?

At the moment while I'm typing this, he is harrassing me by sending me skype messages to my skypephone, which I will happily ignore until I have completely let out my pent up anger.
But do you see what I mean? CRAZY! If I had access to my little emoticons from MSN I'd be adding that little face with the spiralling eyes, followed by the one of the face that unleashes a fist of fury.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Friday just don't feel good

Buddhists say that the origin of suffering is through attachment. That the answer is to let it go. It's easier to say than do. How do you let go of loved ones? Of things close to the heart?
We take photos to ensure that the attachment remains long after the subject has gone or after time has sent you on different paths. They serve to remind ourselves that the the love is still there or that a part of them will alway remain with you. It prevents us from forgetting too easily our past, despite its ups and downs and I guess it gives us a much needed sense of self so that we know where we fit in this world.
I'm glad I'm not Buddhist.