Stupidity is in the eye of the beholder

I recently posted as my Facebook status the comment that I think that some people just act stupid, but worse is when people are born stupid, and that I was dealing with someone of the latter. Obviously this person is my fiance. He really is quite thick in the head. Here are a few examples:

1. Looks at the TV blankly while everyone is busy helping out with a chore
2. Tells everyone a secret that I said I confided with him about
3. Knows that I'm tired, tells me to go to sleep early, then calls me at 1am (still messaging me in fact eventhough it's 2:11am)
   

I find him quite embarrassing to the point I sometimes have to apologise for his rudeness. Unfortunately he takes after his dad. And more unfortunately he idolises his dad. So much i have to work on. Sigh!
People say that you should not try to change a person, but I say one should mould their partner in a way so that you can at least face them for a minimum of 5 years of marriage. Do I see any hands up in agreement? Anyway I guess I can leave the moulding at least till tomorrow. That's if he can stop messaging me, that is. By the way, last message I sent was "Just go to sleep. I'm better off with you asleep than have you awake and stressing me out so that I can't sleep"
Hmmmm...that would make a good Facebook status comment.

Less Than a Week To Wedding

Despite my drama queen antics of ring throwings and trying to punch my fiance's lights out, I've come to realise that I can't do without him. It may seem somehow strange as to why this clarity has suddenly come upon me, but I truly feel as though we belong together. We need each other. Whether it be for support, love, companionship, we need each other no less and I just feel so blessed that I've had this opportunity to meet him and be such a huge part in his life, as he has been in my life.

So I guess this is it.

Together. Happily ever after.

I Am A Make Up Nightmare

Today, my little sister was convinced that she could teach me how to put on make up, since it is highly essential that I look good for my work's Christmas party coming up on Saturday. Oh was she sooooooo wrong. The foundation and blush was easy enough to apply, despite the fact that it was quite a shade too pale so to make me look like a vampire from Twilight than it's real purpose as a skin tone refiner. Then came the eyeliner. "Why do you flicker your eyelids so much. It's not that hard to apply eyeliner". Unbeknown to by sister, I do not find having something potentially being able to poke out my eye, highly appealing. Oh but did I mention the eyelash curler????? My eyelashes are so short that no matter how much I jammed that eyelash curler into my eye socket, on advice from my lovely sis, it still didn't manage to catch any eyelashes, let alone get them to curl. The fake lashes didn't look too bad though, after having to take them off and re-glue them five or six times. After an hour, what a transformation. I went from looking like the good girl next door to trashy heroin addict.
Moral of the story? I should stay clear of make-up. Period.

I'm Walking Away

Yep as Craig David so eloquently sings in that smooth voice of his, I'm walking away from the troubles in my life.

Tired of my boss' husband voice telling me what to do at work - Yep walked away from that

Tired of my fiance making stupid unfunny jokes when I'm trying to be serious - Ignored that completely

Tired of dealing with my fiance's laziness and excuses to match - Ok that did get on my nerves

Tired of my fiance ditching me for a smoke - Well that certainly got on my nerves a bit more

Tired of dealing with my fiance in general today - Adios! Hence I walked away. More specifically I got in my car, drove 5 min home and spent the rest of my night watching Border Security which was recorded the previous night. Ah....I love that show.

I wonder how long I can actually go on doing this though? It has occurred to me that eventually I am going to spend most of my time with my fiance, let me rephrase that, ....FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE with him, so this could be a problem. I better come up with a hobby real soon to get me out of the house.
My cousin wished me marital bliss. I'm one step ahead already and organising escape routes. I sound so horrible. Hmmmm....separate tvs so I can watch my favourite shows on one and he can watch boring news on the other. I see light at the end of the tunnel. Gonna love married life.

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date

Well I'm not any white rabbit, but Alice in Wonderland would certainly agree with me that my fiance undeniably loves to waste my time.
Today, he needed me to take him to the airport and given that I had to rush to work straight afterwards, it is understandable that I made it specifically clear that I was going to pick him up at 9am on the dot to take him to the airport. So when I rocked up at his place at 9am and to call and call not to have him answer my phone, it sure peed me of. Unfortunately it happens every single time that I have to take him to the airport. Whether it be that he sleeps in, still in the shower, or out having a smoke; but whether you turn your head or bring out some rose-coloured glasses there is no way of getting around the fact that he wastes my time.
But the sending off to the airport isn't the only occasion this happens. Hmmm..let's see. There's always driving to his house to pick him up only to find him asleep, when he himself specified the time that I should see him (whether it be exams, or breakfast or whatever really). There's the times when I'm exhausted after work (yet stupid me goes to see him before I head home) only to rock up at his house and he tells me to wait for him while he goes outside for a smoke for 10 minutes, then spends another 5 minutes washing his face and brushing his teeth so that his smokeyness does not offend me. By now, you would think that it would click that to him that me sitting alone for 15 minutes in his house isn't really that fun. But then again my fiance isn't the most intelligent of the male species. He hasn't really evolved much from ape.


Today was pretty much the last straw when it comes to my time management. Unfortunately for him, my schedule can't fit him in. He'll just have to fit around it here and there. Have fun hon!

Feeling's Just Not There

Just in case if you were wondering, my fiance did call me up the next day to thank me for helping him out when he was unwell, and at that time it made me feel warm and fuzzy and needed. But for no apparent reason my feelings for him have gone totally cold lately. I don't really want to see him, or talk to him, or even want him to touch me. Strangely enough I'm pretty much the same at work and somehow I feel happier when I'm at work than with him. I'm also happier at home with my family. I was thinking that maybe it's the resentment coming out. I resent him for wasting my time, for not taking me seriously, for being selfish and unappreciative, and honestly, while he's sad to leave me for a week to go to the US for training, all that goes through my mind is, "It's just a week. Get over it!"
Perhaps I ought to be more clingy, but unfortuately for him, I'm far from that kind of person. It's taken a lot already to say "Oh honey are you alright?" at every little bunp (of course with the concerned look of expression expected as well , PLUS the tone of voice to match). If it was anyone else, all they'd get is "Hey, you alright?" said more a drawl like "Heyuaright" while not removing my gaze from the TV. It's all so much more effort on top of my natural character. So tiring.

In Sickness and in Health

In sickness and in health till death do us part...seems ideal I must say, but geez what a drag that must be.
Today, I spent most of my day caring for my partially disabled fiance. Helping him put on his socks, help him in and out of bed, drive for hours trying to find a gp open on a Saturday so that he could get some painkillers for his back, AND on top of that cook and clean for him. I'm sure his kitchen has never sparkled so much (he had oil dripping from the exhaust fan for goodness sakes). Yet at the end of the day, he's feeling better and working on his computer when I tell him I'm going home and he just goes, "Ok, bye!". In my mind, I was going. "What the.....^%&%^#$@#!". A hard day's work taking care of a yelping invalid and I just get an "Ok, bye!" when he's feeling a lot better? He didn't even look at me until I went up to kiss him goodbye. Humph! What an ungrateful SOB. I think I'll just snub him tomorrow. See how that feels!

Been a while old friend

Yes it sure seems like it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. Perhaps I've partially settled down and I've finally got it in my head that " Yes, I'm getting married" and "Well...I've got nowhere to run now". So either way, I guess that's how my future is going to pan out.
At the moment, my stomach is keeping me up. Not in the sense that it's going, "Feed me! Feeeeeeeeeed me!" but more so like, "Hey let's just bomb this place!". Lately everyone at my work is falling sick. One has a cold, the other has shingles as well as a cold, and I, well... let's just say that the toilet is my best friend at the moment. Even my fiance is down and out with a crook back. It's the early morning of my only day off in the week and I'm rolling in bed rubbing my stomach while blogging (I guess multitasking is a female thing after all).
Anyway I better go curl up and die. x.x

Go Girl Power!

Once again my blood is set a-boiling, with a comment from my fiance that Asian girls should be quiet and polite and stick by their man. What is this? What a male chauvinist pig! The more I know him, the more I think he wants to turn me into a female slave to wait upon him while he gets all the glory for being breadwinner of the family.

Today, my horoscope said this: "You're sick and tired of rationalising a loved one's behaviour. The next time they start playing up, let them take the consequences of their action. It doesn't matter if they're your business partner, best friend, or lover. It's entirely possible their latest stunt will cause your union to fall apart. Although you'll be devastated by the break, it will also be liberating. You have to admit, joining forces with them has held you back in some significant ways."

Held me back? Yes he has held me back. I have the chance to be manager and he goes "I don't like the idea of you being a manager. I don't want to be a househusband taking care of the kids." When I be myself, he goes "You're too friendly to others. I don't like it when you're so friendly."
That's bloody me you idiot of a fiance. I don't know why I even put up with him sometimes. I think he's so daft sometimes, but I guess I must be the stupider one for sticking around.

Wife of the 18th century... hell no!

My fiance told me that I should be the kind of wife who listens to her husband and be supportive. Own opinions? Of course not. What kind of wife would that be? Really.

Naturally as a woman of the 21st century, this was my emailed reply:

"Tonight when I mentioned that my dream was at night, you said that I keep things to myself. That is true. Last time when I was upset, I didn't want to tell you, but you wanted to know just to make yourself more comfortable. As you say, you listen to me, not because you care, but because you know I just need to be listened to.

In both of those situations, did you really care about me? Probably not. Just as I've learnt from the book not to say what you ought to do, even though I can see you're doing things wrong, just to make you feel better about yourself. Just so you can feel like a man and that you're needed.

That's a lie already. That's just like sweeping things to one side, just to make it look like the place is clean of problems, when really, there's a real mess just hidden away. No wonder you sense problems.

So here is the truth from my side of things. I think you're manipulative and insecure. For example, when I comfort you when you failed your exam, you do not even hesitate to mention that "It is the supportive wife who lets her man be the man, that makes the difference", being jealous of me talking to other guys only because you "care about" me, and when people at work put you down you shut up, but when you know more than them, you just brag on and on about how little they know. You know how two-faced that is? I let you talk to M******* (an ex mind you) without saying a word about how you shouldn't talk to her cos, of course, I "care".

I also think you're a boring stick-in-the-mud. You stick to what you know, whether it is financial, food-wise, anything really. In a nice way, it can be said that you're stable, but yes I do find you a tad boring.

......................................................

Oh, and you have a very selective memory. In terms of memory, you have none for information presented to you in any form. For example, booking airline tickets for the end of the year. You typed it in yourself.
Whereas, I'm sure that you'll remember A******* turning down being MC will live in your brain forever (part insecurity that she doesn't think much of you and secondly cos you just don't like to hear other people's opinion)

That's right. You also believe that you're right. That the whole world revolves around you. When I don't agree with you, OMG it's like the world has collapsed on you (back to insecurity). Although you like listening to your dad, and like the way he thinks, when he says something you don't like you go "Tsi Sin" [ Chinese word for crazy] and sulk with your arms crossed for the rest of the day.

You want to be a man? I don't think sulking and running to tell your mum every time something goes wrong is very manly. Or even holding a grudge for that matter. If you're a man, and you believe yourself to be right, do you really need to care what others think? Take a look at yourself for goodness sake. You cover your face, you pull your head in like a turtle, you look at your feet, never instantly decisive about anything and you wonder why you don't get treated like a man.

Well at least, I've got the balls to tell you. I've been waiting for so long to tell you what I think. I feel so scared to lose you or make you angry sometimes that I just keep my opinions to myself. That it's not worth arguing about. But I've had enough. You want honesty. You got it. Whether you like it or not."

For all the women out there, do yourself a favour. Don't take crap from anyone.

The Truth

Just 10 mintues ago, my fiance called to say that I've disappointed him on a number of occasions where I have been "too friendly" to other guys. In his opinion, making conversation with his 2nd cousin about travelling around New Zealand is just overboard. I should stick to conversation with other girls, so he believes. Oh and finding another female attractive, is definitely much worse than getting a massage from a naked female while overseas so he believes. On top of this he believes that I don't value this relationship. Enough of his beliefs. Here are mine (said in a perfectly calm state of mind).

1. I feel more comfortable and happy with my best friend and family than with my fiance on most occasions
2. I fake laugh at my fiance's jokes
3. I find my fiance boring and predictable ....I mean "stable"
4. I hate his "guys are the breadwinners of the family" talk. If you wanna be a man, you gotta look less like a turtle ( Head down, hunched over shoulders with hand on face, is not a manly look) and stop being a mummy's boy and stand on your own two feet (you don't really have to tell your mum everything that goes wrong).
   
5. My fiance holds a grudge like there's no tomorrow, so if he discovers this...I'm DEAD.
   
6. I love my fiance regardless. He's caring towards me most of the time. He tries to keep me happy (hard task so I gotta hand that to him). He makes an effort. He gets stuff done. Romantic when he doesn't try to be. Thoughtful most of the time and most of all patient.
   
7. I still regret not doing the things I wanted to do, like travelling to Peru, learning to surf, learn horseriding, go play paintball, do an extreme sport, and take up kung fu again.
8. I don't want to move to the Eastern suburbs, as posh as it may be. It's not me. It's not home. Perhaps it's tall poppy syndrome on a suburban level, but I like the West.
   
9. I don't enjoy my job anymore. It's so big and busy that I'm losing touch with the people I work with
10. I can move on. I know the world doesn't stop turning just because of a personal crisis of mine, nor will I.

Sayonara once again and good night. Till next time.

Walking away

Today, I thought to myself, "I've had enough. Enough of people constantly hounding me. Enough of complying with what others want of me." So after I realised that I slept in until 1pm I thought to myself, that I would do something different. I went to a Sunday market. Did some shopping. Then my fiance called and asked me where I was. Shocked by my response he said he was going to drive out and join me, so that I "won't be lonely". After a full on week at work, organising wedding stuff, rushing here and there; the last person I wanted to see was him, or anyone else for that matter.
Oh well, at least I had an hour or two to myself.

"Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there"

Lyrics to Runaway Train

At least there's someone out there who understands how I feel.

Can't sleep

It's 3am and I've been listening to songs and analysing the lyrics to "So you can cry" by Ne-yo and "Don't Love You No More" by Craig David, as if that's going to help me sleep. I love those songs but I guess they are quite depressing in their own right and unfortunately that doesn't help with my mood.
Have you ever as a kid gone, "I'm gonna run away and I'm never coming back!" But in the end, you end up camping in your room or hiding somewhere in the house and just change your mind and reappear by morning? I was thinking to myself that I'd like to do that. Just pack my bags and leave for somewhere away from family, friends and workmates. Disappear off the radar for a while. It's a crazy thought but it would be nice. I haven't had some ME time in a while (disregarding the night that me and my fiance had a fight because I wasn't in a warm comfy place).
I think I've been rushing around between people too much lately that I guess I've neglected myself. I gotta take a siesta.

I've always been the passer-by,
The source of snide remarks,
The source of jealous pride.

It was never me,
Who led a tumultuous life.
A victim of scorn,
Of ridicule and acid-tongued fire.

But today the gun has turned on me.
And in a spark of epiphany, I came to hate
The self I have always seen.
The self who never learnt to appreciate.

I must salvage what's left of broken ties,
Repent my sins
Take back the lies.

Live to love,
With a love to live.
Care for the caring
And have patience to give.

Criticise less,
Revise my whole role.
Value who are dear,
With my heart and my soul.

From Feeling Bad to a Hell of a lot Worse

How does one change their character? Is it like upgrading to a new car? Or perhaps is it just built in and flows in your blood? Either way, my fiance almost left me because of my character. He says I argue too much, that I put him down. He understands that it's my character, but he can't put up with it anymore. He loves me, but he wants me to change.
When I break it down to why I argue with him, it's because I think my idea works or that I'm right. I think he's a bit slow on the pickup sometimes as well so I repeat myself. When you look at the situation from all angles, it doesn't seem as though I think very highly of him. However, his caring nature is what makes me love him.
I try to accomodate him, try not to say bad things about him ( yes I've already put on the restraints on my mouth already. He should really see me without them) and try to emotionally support him.
But I'm just not that kind of person. I'm pretty cold. When my fiance flinches and goes "Ouch!" at the slightest scratch of my cat, my brain is thinking, "Geez, just deal with it wuss!" But nevertheless, to be nice I go " Are you ok dear?" and look concerned. When I climb up on a chair, he gives me a worried look and goes, "Be careful, let me do that", all the while I'm thinking to myself "Do I look like an invalid to you?" I know he means well and so I feel obliged to treat him better, but it's just not me to be so caring sometimes and sometimes I just can't sit back and take his fuddy-duddyness.
Sometimes I feel a lot happier without him than with him, which makes me think whether this relationship is going to last. I'm not sure whether I can change who I am, and even if I could, would I be happy?

Critical Thinker

Tonight my fiance told me that I'm very critical of others and that I don't think anyone is perfect. Soooooooooo true. If you put me with a person for 2 hours, I'm bound to come up with a fault they have (in certain cases, on first sight is good enough). I guess that's what makes me a Virgo. I expect perfection from myself and others and it really irks me when people repeat bad habits constantly.
No one can escape my criticism. My sister, for example, has bad skin, is materialistic, illogical in heated argument, but on the other hand she's a style queen. My fiance is an irrational, impatient, lazy worry wart, but on the up side is very caring and sensitive (only to me that is). My dad is an arrogant, insensitive know-it-all, but he's hardworking and takes good care of the family (but sometimes on a more practical handyman-like note, he really does know it all). My mum just nags, and if you don't get the point, she'll nag till you do. However, she keeps the house clean and it's a tough job so I admire that. Plus, she does all of those things for us just cos she cares. At the end of the day, I guess that's how people are. No one's perfect. Me included. I don't love them any less. That's just who they are.
It's a shame I don't feel the same way about myself. "I can be better". "I can work harder". I think it's what makes me strive though, but it also makes me look down on those, who don't bother to try at all.
Some people have a passion for whales. I just hate people who don't try to better themselves with a passion. Nothing wrong with that.

Not in the Clique

I feel as though I've abandonned a friend. Someone who's stuck by me throughout the years. And for who? My fiance.
I've only realised how much she needs me. Just how much she relies on me for company. It used to be that I'd sit next to her and talk to her all the time. Given that she's the only non-Asian and partially deaf, it was hard enough for her to communicate with others, let alone listen to other people's conversations while everyone just chats away in Chinese.
But since my fiance has come along, I feel I've put her aside. I'd chat to him to make him not feel left out, and by doing so I've left her out. My brain tells me to talk to her more because logically, my fiance isn't deaf. He can understand and speak Chinese. He can talk to someone else. He just chooses to talk to me. But my deaf friend can't talk to someone else. Even a normal conversation in plain English is too fast for her to fully comprehend.
It all boils down to guilt. I've knocked her out of the clique. What kind of friend am I?

H. pylorinator: stomach bug back with a vengeance

Yep keeling over once again. Stomach bug: 4, Me: 3. That's my score for this week as to how many days I've been stomach ache free. It seems like I'm losing big time on home turf.
Tonight has been the worst for this week. It's strange that the gastroscopy didn't find anything. Stupid technology. At least invent something that at least can identify what I have.
When I came home, I said "I have a stomach ache." My mum goes, "See.....that's what happens when you don't have anything to eat for a long time." I go, "But I had trail mix all night at work." Her answer then changed to, "Nuts are hard to digest. No wonder you have a stomach ache." I never get her logic.

On My Lonesome

My fiance has packed his bags and left me ... for a week that is. He's off impressing his boss' bosses in the US, while I'm stuck here like a nanna complaining of the wintery weather and how very very cold it is.
I wonder if it's the weather, or a combination of everything, because I'm just feeling down. Tripping over a box and slamming myself into a wall at work didn't help matters either. Briefly this morning, I was feeling so physicaly tired that for a second I thought I had swine flu (quite a possibility since the man I spoke to at work mentioned ever so casually that he may have swine flu after 10 minutes of standing next to the guy. Sigh!). Just didn't want to go to work. I just wanted to stay curled up under all those layers of bedsheets and wish that summer would come. And after my mum convinced me to get up (obviously my half-dead look wasn't convincing enough to get myself a day off work in her books), my parents complained that it was my night shifts for the past three years that have stuffed me up. Yep apparently I haven't been right since three years ago. And to top it all off my fiance calls and says that he's been overindulging in cigarettes and food, as if I'm not already scared that he may drop dead one day because of a heart attack or lung cancer. Stupid, stupid man with no self-control.


Nooooooooooooooooo! For a split second I had a vision of myself becoming like my mum. Nagaholic. It's a good thing I'm the nagger and not the nagee. My fiance has so much to look forward to.

I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am

I have spent the past half hour writing this post, only to be stuck in a cycle of deleting it, and rewriting it time and time again, because it just doesn't reflect how I feel. The problem lies though in the sense of "How do I feel?". It seems like such a stupid question. How could one not know how they feel? My fiance once told me that I'm like a robot. That I don't feel. Of course he did apologise for that comment otherwise I'd be giving him few up-close examinations of my engagement ring if you get what I mean (wink wink). Somehow, as sad as it may sound, I think he has a point.
I've been lying awake in bed, staring for hours on end at the ceiling for the past few nights and I don't know why. I've blamed coffee, indigestion, asthma triggered by the cat, but the truth of it all is that I'm just unhappy. Ok, perhaps I do have feelings. The problem is that I just don't understand why.
I used to get a similar feeling on those boring Sunday afternoons at home, when there was nothing to do and yet even if there was, you just didn't feel like even lifting a finger. The feeling of wanting to change the whole world, add meaning to a mundane life but still find yourself stuck in a office chair typing how bored you are to some contact on msn.
Perhaps I'm just stuck in a rut. Feels like a pretty deep rut though. Just want to leave this behind.

Is the glass half full? Or half empty?

Personally if a glass is filled halfway and placed in front of me, I would label it as being half full. But others may think otherwise.
My fiance and I have the tendency to come to totally different conclusions from a single situation. We may look and hear the same things, but it just doesn't mean the same thing somehow. We frustrate each other constantly by not being able to understand each other's conclusion ( ok, let's just say I believe I frustrate him a lot more than he does me), but either way it's not a happy experience for either party.
It's a real worry. Not just in the sense that I don't understand him, but worrying in the sense that I'm placing so much effort in trying to understand him, but still come up interpreting his feelings incorrectly. He even has to give me very significant clues to what he's thinking ( at least I can tell they're significant), BUT, I still get it wrong. It's like being a contestant at a quiz show and getting, "BZZZZZZZ. Sorry that's incorrect" all the time. It's just plain annoying. It would be a lot easier if I could just steal all the gamecards with all the answers, but then I guess that beats having a quiz show. And I guess that beats the "fun" out of a meaningful relationship. You do realise that I would still steal all the answers if I could. It beats being a dumbass any day.

My son has no balls...got a problem with that?

Me and my fiance once again are fighting. Over what? Well strangely enough we have stopped talking to each other because I had my rabbit neutered.


It all started off when my sister got a kitten for her birthday, and given that it has turned 12 weeks old we decided to have him neutered. I then thought hmmmmmm.... should I get my rabbit neutered? As a good pet owner I googled this thoroughly. Neutered rabbit = happy rabbit, longer life, easier to litter train. So I thought why not. I'd like my rabbit to be happy and not suffer from sexual frustration, so I booked him for neutering on the same day as my sister's kitten.
That night I told my fiance. Oh the anger. "How can you be so cold-blooded?". "And you call him our son". "Your actions disturb me". All my reaction was, "He's just a rabbit. I'm not doing anything unusual. It's quite normal to get your pets desexed."
After what started as a romantic night out ended with my fiance slamming the car door and storming off. He's such a drama queen. What is the world coming to?

Honey I'm Home

I'm already at home so no it's not me. However, my man is coming back. It's been 4 months I think. Ok, I did go to visit him last month but still, it doesn't beat the excitement of him coming back home. We've already talked about organising our wedding when he gets back, and looking for a house. It really is starting to feel like we're married, and that's not a bad thing. Ooooooohhh....honeymoon. I can't wait to organise that either. Romantic getaway here we come.


I wonder what married life is really like? A lot of married couples I see, don't really make a huge song and dance about it. Where's the LURV?????? The fire?????? Please don't let it go out the window once we're married. Not that I want us to be all over each other at the age of 80, but at least I want to be one of those couples that still hold hands when they go out for walks together. I also hope that one day, the ads that claim that they can help spice up your sex life, still won't appeal to me (Heeheeheehee...if things keep going on the way they are, I definitely won't need it). And thirdly, my future husband better not end up being a couch potato and lie there on the sofa, only to let out a huge fart before asking me to pass his can of beer to him (ARGH!!!!!!! What a thought! Worst nightmare). Other than that, I'm sure married life is good. Otherwise, why would so many people get married? I hear it leads to a longer lifespan. I guess that's a bonus. If that's the case I'm sure we'll be holding hands till we're 100. Not bad I say. Not bad at all.

I think someone's getting cold feet

It's just a hunch I have, but now that I've got my fiance involved in all of the planning of the wedding, he doesn't seem as excited as he once was. He's handballed me all the wedding stuff by saying something along the lines of "I don't really care" but at the beginning he said he wanted to get involved. I think he's in over his head on this one. I don't think he really expected so much to go into a wedding. It is overwhelming I must admit, but you have to do something. It seems that he just expects me to do all the research and planning, while he just sits there and decides on what he wants and what he doesn't want.
A few days ago he told me that it was boring at work and there was nothing to do. He had internet yet did he do any wedding research? Nope. Especially after I gave him a huge verbal nudge to be more proactive about this, what I got was the "I've used up my allocated internet usage, can't do anything" excuse. What does that have to do with the internet at work?
I guess I'm turning into a bridezilla, but jeez it's just so hard to organise this on my own. Is it such a deal that I want my fiance to get off his arse and do something?
So frustrating.

I won't forget

"All I want is to spend out lives together, healthy and happily, and have our own family... I am sorry for causing you all this pain. I am sorry for not trusting you. Please forgive me."
This is what my fiance told me today. He told me he will stick to his words and make it happen. I told him I'll never forget these words of his. I truly hope that it will all come true, because deep down, that's all I want too.

Eye of the storm

All is calm now. Anger's gone temporarily, but I know I'm gonna lose it should he call again.
There are so many fish in the sea and yet my fiance has to be the demented fish ... yes the pufferfish with a 3 second memory that blows up everytime you annoy it. Unfortunately it's a regular occurence due to the 3 second memory span.
But why should I stick to the pufferfish? I could have a clown fish that can make me laugh all the time, or perhaps a salmon who, although slightly daft, is happy to go with the flow (well...against the flow, but at least in the same direction as the other salmon). A carefree goldfish could do too. However, I had to go and choose a pufferfish. I try to get close, but I get hurt every single time. I guess I must be the dumbest fish of all. The only one with the 2 second memory who keeps repeating the same mistake time and time again.
I'm tired of being the dumb fish. I really have to get out of this mess. Pre-marriage counselling? Just leave? Be more assertive? Keep my distance? This is hurting my less than pea-sized brain. Better sleep.

What is the right answer?

So here's the situation. My fiance asks me my feelings on moving to Sydney in the future, should he change jobs and have to take one up there. My answer was "I'll move with you. I can't live away from my husband". One would think that an answer like that is worth two thumbs up. In the case of my fiance he goes "You say things all the time and we end up never doing them. The only thing we've planned successfully are our weekends away". He then goes on to say how he doesn't trust me to go through with what I've said.
I have a problem with this:

1. He doesn't even have a job in Sydney yet. Not even in the stage of applying for one.
2. He said he didn't trust me. Yep, just like that.
   
3. There wasn't even a possibility to answer that question correctly. "Yes I'll move" = No you're just saying that. I don't trust you....OR....."No, I'm not gonna budge for you" = How could you not be supportive of me?

At the moment while I'm typing this, he is harrassing me by sending me skype messages to my skypephone, which I will happily ignore until I have completely let out my pent up anger.
But do you see what I mean? CRAZY! If I had access to my little emoticons from MSN I'd be adding that little face with the spiralling eyes, followed by the one of the face that unleashes a fist of fury.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Friday just don't feel good

Buddhists say that the origin of suffering is through attachment. That the answer is to let it go. It's easier to say than do. How do you let go of loved ones? Of things close to the heart?
We take photos to ensure that the attachment remains long after the subject has gone or after time has sent you on different paths. They serve to remind ourselves that the the love is still there or that a part of them will alway remain with you. It prevents us from forgetting too easily our past, despite its ups and downs and I guess it gives us a much needed sense of self so that we know where we fit in this world.
I'm glad I'm not Buddhist.

Waiting to get married

The other night my fiance once again burdened me with the question of why I didn't want to get married straightaway. A straight answer of "Cos I just don't want to" obviously didn't cut it, so after deep contemplation and soul searching I sent him this message:

"Tonight you asked me why you're waiting. I know you. In your mind it makes no sense to you to keep two people that love each other apart. You feel distrust and feel as though you're being tested by my family. That's my guess.

But it's not just my family that wants to take things slow. I do too. Why if I love you? I asked myself that so many times and while I was lying in bed tossing and turning, trying to think how I could put you through this. Last night it was "Do I love my fiance?". Tonight, it was "How could I do this to my fiance and why?".
You were right about me using my family as an excuse for my actions. I did that on a few previous occasions. Why? Because I knew that we share a lot of the same beliefs and values and it was an easy way out.
But for the registration and the wedding, I've pushed the blame on you cos it was just easy to do. Everyone suggested the same thing and
I guess it was an easy way out. I made myself believe that perhaps they were right. I'm sorry.
As to why I keep doing this to you and why this wedding and registration scares me even though I love you? Because I can't change as fast as you. You say that my parents have problems letting me go, but has it occurred to you that I'm reluctant to let my family go too. I couldn't let go of my current life in the span of a month. This is my home we're talking about. I've lived with these people since I was born. Selfish I know. It also scares me when you start saying things about my parents because I don't want you to take away my security blanket by alienating me from my family. Maybe that's also why I want you to get to know my family better so that I can keep everyone I love close to me. And deep down, the thing about me is that I always want everyone to be happy together. As you've told me, you can't keep everyone happy, but I still try anyway cos it makes me happy when I see others happy.
I know I can live independently. I have the skills to do it. I just can't handle the thought of leaving everyone behind. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal moving around the corner or 10km away somewhere, but it's a big deal to me. I'm out of my comfort zone. And I know I've hurt you numerous times because of it.
You said that you can't read me fully, and sometimes I just don't analyse the actions I do. I just do. I know it's no excuse. I just want you to know me better. I hope that one day you can read me. That I can break down everything my mind thinks and tell you what I'm thinking, cos sometimes not even i know what I'm thinking.
I know you'll be angry, but I'm willing to live with whatever you choose or not choose to say to me. Either way, I do love you. Please never forget that."

I meant every word. I hope he always remembers that.

What does my fiance mean to me?

I was pondering this question after a big fight once again about our marriage registration. Perhaps I'm just not ready for commitment. He asked me why I turned him down again for the second time out of the blue, and honestly I just don't know why. He mentioned that it was my parents' wishes and that I just followed or that maybe my parents were just an excuse for me to say no again. The thing is that I don't know what's holding me back.
So when I got home, I sat at the edge of my bed and stared at the photos I had of him sitting on the top of my drawers and thought about how much does he mean to me? I sat there for about half an hour searching my heart trying to find an answer but in the end all I ended up with were more questions. Is what I feel for him love? He can make me laugh, make me change a lot of my ways, frustrate me, make me cry, make me feel as though I can't live without him, but is this love? Or as he said, maybe I'm just a very lonely person, trying to hold onto anyone. I don't know what to think anymore, but it's giving me a stomach ache. That's probably the only certain thing that's popped up today. It's sad. What kind of person doesn't know how they feel?

Maybe it's time to settle down

Looking at what was written in the last blog, I guess my fiance decided to stick around after all. ( for which I am really thankful for mind you).
I think I've mellowed out these past few weeks. I've totally lost that fire I once had. That never say die attitude which has somehow disappeared with the change in Melbourne weather. I guess perhaps it's true when people say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. For a second, my fiance was going to return home permanently from overseas but now with his service contract renewed in NZ, he may need to stay on for another month or so. With the economic crisis in full swing, I guess I'm happy that he still has a job, and I'll support him regardless of how things turn out with his career. On the other hand, one can't help to be slightly selfish and want him back home to the point where conking him over the head with a club and dragging him back to my cave like a neanderthal female becomes a highly appealing idea (damn those neanderthals were smart).
On the good side, he is coming back next week. On the down side, his family has flown over. Pressure. Oh so much pressure. "Would you like some more tea, future mother-in-law dearest?"

Telling the truth gets you nowhere

Today, my fiance asked me, "Do you want to marry me?". I truthfully answered, "Yes, but I want time to sort out our problems first before we do otherwise they'll destroy this relationship." Very simple answer. And then he goes again with the, "So you're unsure about this marriage." Sigh!
He then says he's starting to rethink whether he wants to marry me, yada yada yada. I've heard it so many times that it just slid off like water off a duck's back.
I told him, "It's up to you. You can leave or wait". I told him that whatever he does, it's not going to change my mind about going slow.
Now it's wait and see.

Stomach bug. How nice.

So from relationship dramas enough to give Bold and the Beautiful a run for its money, to getting a stomach bug that renders me helpless and rolling on the floor in pain. I now regret that I wished to have a more interesting life, cos I think I'm having a pretty interesting one at the moment.
It all came on so suddenly. At 1:30am yesterday I woke up with stomach pain and I thought to myself, ok I'll just pop a bit of antacid and see how that goes. Two hours later, I'm still on the floor rubbing my stomach hoping the pain would go away and take more antacid. It killed me more just taking the antacid so I woke my parents up hoping that they would be so loving as to take me to hospital. But no....they just looked at me rolling on the floor of their bedroom and go, "You should really go see a specialist about that stomach of yours". Instead they gave me some paracetamol and send me back to bed. I woke up at 6am and decided to call the 24hour nursing service for advice, and they tell me I have a stomach bug, and that all I can eat for the next 24 hours is noodles, pasta, rice, white bread and chicken without the skin on it. Veges was a no no. Weird eh?
I thought maybe I could still go to work that day (yes I'm an idiot) but by 7:40am I knew better and decided to get my boss to work for me instead. So I still had to open up shop but she came in at 10am to relieve me.
On the way home, my lovely fiance decided to call and see how I was, but unfortunately it ended up as a fight as usual with me crying in the car, cos he wants to get married quickly and I told him no. Sigh!
I'm glad I slept for the rest of the day. Too hard to deal with this world sometimes.

What's a relationship with no trust?

What are we? Seemingly, it's a question that my fiance (or possibly ex-fiance) has a problem in answering. One minute he says he doesn't trust me and that we're responsible for the choices we make, and then a following text message goes "I love you"? He calls at night just to listen to my voice but at the same phone call he distances himself from me. I tell him I need to know his decision. That I can't live my life on a dream or a hope.
These past couple of days I've tried to erase him from my mind; burying myself amongst journals that were untouched since last November. I've kept busy at work, so much so that I've run out of things to do. It's the silence. It makes me think about him.
So many people tell me he's not worth keeping. That I deserve better. I feel so angry at him sometimes, but when he calls, it dissipates into thin air. I hate how weak he makes me feel. I wish I had the courage or heart (or whatever it is) to just move on. Something in me stops me every time from taking that extra step. Something in my mind makes me believe I can't live without him, and after every time we argue, I just fall back into line.
Perhaps it's the sense that everyone wants to be loved. To feel loved. Not to be alone on Valentine's Day. But that's what it's gonna be.